St. Paddy's Day!

Things I Happened to Notice This St. Paddy's Day Weekend

*A 7 year old girl ordered a salad and asked for water =DREAM CHILD

*High school girl in PROM DRESS meekly fighting the line at Tucano's Brazillian Buffet... what was her date thinking with that reservation!?

*A guy jogging in a green shirt. Commitment. 

*Not a single GREEN BEER (Provo!) 

*Families wearing non-matching shades of green drove me nuts a little. 

It's like a family portrait session gone fashionably wrong! 

*Carnations dyed green

*"The Green Village" on University & University

 *Old couple going out to dinner; him-- suit, her-- grandma sweater

Last night we went to dinner at Tucano's with our friends Cami & Ephraim as well as two other couple friends of theirs. Jordan was being a little ornery because initially I thought we should just skip the tradition of wearing green because I didn't want to be one of those nerdy families I saw all day at work, but when I got home and saw a closet full of a variety of beautiful green outfits, I thought, "Why not cheese it up?" and so I forced him to wear green against his will. Green happens to be his favorite color, so he protested the wearing of it on the same day everyone else was wearing it because every other day of the year nobody would even so much as notice his handsome green tops. I pulled a pouty face and convinced him to celebrate with the rest of we Irish! It was Jordan's first time at Tucano's. Neither of us really feel buffets are ever worth the money or have that great a quality of food, but Cami had a "One Free Meal" coupon for us to use so we dug in! They didn't have my only favorite kind of meat, beef brisket, which is probably the closest thing they would have had to a St. Patrick's Day corn-beef. :( 

The last time I had a proper St. Patrick's Day meal was quite a few years back when my Aunt Nancy made corn-beef & cabbage and hours later my older brother was asking, "When did I eat that? I don't remember eating any corn-beef!?" as he threw it up in their garage after several too many beers. Surprisingly enough, he, my cousins and I still debated hitting up the Del Taco drive thru by drunken foot, but luckily were convinced otherwise. 

Here are just a few pictures from our St. Paddy's Day Weekend... 

See how cute he looks in green!

.............

...and then, at church today, I banked on the fact that everyone would be thinking that they're too cool to be that guy who wore a green tie to church just because it was St. Paddy's Day yesterday because that would be like wearing a way nerdy Christmas tie with Santa, a Christmas tree or a snowman on it every Sunday in December. So they would all be anti-green, which meant that if I wore green today I would totally stand out and be that girl who took it there! Yessss!! So i picked my brightest most obvious green dress and paired it with my jacket from last night. Yes, I went there! 

Then, on the way home from church, I made Jordan take the long route (the out-of-the-way route actually) home and we stopped by my favorite truck in town! My favorite truck in the world actually!! It's so old and beat up, but so wonderfully lime green! Just imagine how I would look driving down the street in this beauty. It's been parked in the same parking lot for months now, but no for sale sign. Maybe I should leave a "For Sale?" note to owner with my number and this picture on the windshield. (The picture would be included to show how desperately I need it!)

Jordan has decided we are going to start making a color-wheel out of photos of my many colorful outfits. 

Because I love to do a matchy thing and wear monochromatic outfits all the time! (Clinton Kelly would have my head!)

(Jordan wearing a RED tie, so as not to fall in the un-cool category)

PIG gets a brother!

Today I was having a bad day on top of a bad day!
When I'm having a rough time I try to remember to be grateful for all the many blessings in my life.
Jordan is usually at the top of this list!
My husband is such a great husband. Tonight he even brought me my contact lens case with saline and my glasses to the bed for me because I was being too lazy to get up and take out my contacts. He waited for me to take them out then brought it all back into the bathroom for me. Great husband or what? I know-- he enables my lazy habits sometimes. And I love him for it!!
Because I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day I decided to go get Jordan a small treat. If I can't be happy at least he can be! So I went to the dollar store to look for a silly gift and you will never believe what I found...

I got to use my monster wrapping paper which makes me happy! 

 

And this is his excited monster face. 

 I can tell he is very excited because of how many teeth he is showing! 

 

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE!? 

....??

 A baby manatee! 

Jordan's favorite animal is a manatee. I know boys don't really pick favorites like girls do as far as colors and cartoon characters and baby animals... but he always finds a way to bring manatees into the conversation. Also, he at least is acting like he likes it a lot, which is very sweet of him since I also know boys are not very into stuffed animals. Whatever, he was one left over birthday dollar well spent! 

 

 [Some fathers in the wild are known to eat their babies.]

It turns out Jordan had been having a pretty rotten day today as well... he has a very heavy course load this semester and has not even had a Spring Break from classes. I am happy that "baby manatee," who has yet to receive a name, can cheer the both of us up! Jordan says he is leaning toward Voldemort, he insists the name is misrepresented by Tom Riddle.

I am glad to have a husband! Really though, the comfort of marriage is indescribably different than any other form of companionship The statement of marriage is that of total commitment. I love that he is a constant in my life. I know I can come home from a terrible day and he will talk out my problems until I feel better.

Voldemort is a nice addition to our family!

Today I learned a thing or two about... PRIDE.

One thing I learned from my missionaries was that a fast is not something we gloat about or draw attention to, but is something sacred between us and God. With that said, yes-- I have made a few posts about my Lent Fast. However, my intent was not to draw attention to myself in a way that takes attention and glory from God, but rather hoped to share my experiences in a way that would help others gain strength to "kick a habit" they would love to rid themselves of, if even for a trial period of 40 days. I wrote because I wanted to share what I was learning from my experience with others.

Yesterday something was said about me that was not true. What was said was said by someone who is close to me. What was said was said in a public forum, behind my back and leaving me no way to defend myself. What was said was relayed to me by someone else who is particularly close to me. What was said was that I had been online online on Facebook, having had broken my fast and was being called out for all those close to me (as I only keep close friends and family on Facebook) to know and even chime in if they wanted. Which they did. And it seemed those who participated were all in favor of believing I had faltered. Believing I had thought I could sneak on Facebook unnoticed. The thing that really pains me about this whole ordeal is that this fast I am participating in, whether the intent be to make me more spiritual in any way or not, is something I am working very hard at. The irony of the entire situation is that Facebook has been the easiest thing to give up because it is such a trivial part of my life and yet now, here it has reared it's ugly Facebook face and driven a wedge between myself and those close to me. I was pained by the suggestion of this person because I am working on accomplishing a goal for my own personal growth and this person found the time in her day to (whether with malice or not, whether knowing the hurt it would bring into my life or not) belittle the very accomplishment I have every right to be personally proud of.
My initial anger from first hearing of this small betrayal last night subsided and this morning I was thinking with a less cloudy head. Though I will admit my thoughts were not entirely clear, they were fogged as I debated how I should react to the situation. I struggled, going back and forth in my mind; typing out texts I could send to make my pain clear to this person. I knew I had to phrase myself carefully or she would only hear blame being thrown her way rather than seeing the vulnerable plea I was making for her to understand how her actions had penetrated me. I decided (perhaps even against my better judgement, knowing I should choose to be the bigger person, not add fuel to the fire) to email her and let her know how her actions had deeply affected me. I tried to write very carefully what I needed to say. I expressed my pain, because as I learned from one of my fellow youth teachers at church on Sunday; it is prideful to keep our feelings to ourselves. It touched me to hear the words of the class expressing personal stories. One woman said she had felt wronged by her husband, but rather than discuss the situation calmly, she had decided to hold onto those feelings of trespass. She let the husband mope all day, initially sorrowful at the thought that he had hurt his wife, but then soon growing angry himself at the unjust of his wife's silence. If she would not tell him how he had hurt her then he could not begin to repair the wound. So I expressed myself calmly and rationally through email. I started by saying that I had been hurt by this persons actions and wished them to know I would never intentionally hurt them. I explained that the fast I was being accused of breaking was something that was important to me and though it may have seemed like something they could joke about that my integrity was actually what was being made fun of.
A joke is almost always at someone else's expense. This one was at mine.
A few hours later I received a text from this person telling me to "give it a rest" -- again insulting my feelings. As though I haven't any right to defend myself nor express upset feelings.
The most painful part of it all was going back and forth with her, trying to explain that I wanted only for her to understand that our words carry with them weight. I was near tears as this text conversation continued. She began saying she did not owe me an apology, as she had nothing to be sorry about. This hurt so much to read. It hurt that I had been correct in assuming she would take the initial email as an attack, though clearly stated on my part to have no intent as such. I read the words over and over, "I don't owe you an apology" and wondered to myself, would God ever utter those words? Would a good person ever say such a thing to someone they love? I knew the answer was NO. Because repentance as with forgiveness comes from a place deep in our hearts guarded well by our tough and jaded exteriors.
As the texts kept coming, I finally could not hold back the tears and had to excuse myself from work to lock myself alone in the restroom and cry. The employee bathroom has no toilet lid so I sat on the floor, alone, muffling my tears with my hands as the texts continued to come.
As I sat in that bathroom alone, feeling very alone, I was reminded of a time when I had wronged another and I too saw no need for remorse or apologies. Similarly I once publicly called out a girl on Facebook, drawing attention to something she had done which I had believed was not in accordance with the person she represented herself to be. I too gained a following, supporting my notion that I was fit to be her judge. The only difference in her story and mine was that she had in fact actually done what I accused her of doing. When I was called to repentance I rejected the thought, exclaiming that I did not owe her an apology for simply pointing out the fault in something she was already making very public herself. The fact that the words I said about her were truth make no difference. Because the words I said were meant to draw attention to her negatively. The words I said had drawn others into a web of judgement against her. The words I said had hurt her. To me, my words had not meant to hurt her, I don't really know what I meant to accomplish by my comment and so I felt I owed her nothing. I was young. Not so young that any of this was excusable, but I justified that her feelings were her own and she could choose to be hurt or not. She could not, however, choose how others would now see her because of my actions. And in fact she could not choose her feelings, as I cannot. We can only choose how we react.
This morning, I tried and tried not to let pride make me send an angry letter detailing my innocence.
This morning I tried and tried not to let pride build a need in me to be right.
This morning I told pride I didn't need the last word.

But I did need some words.

I did need to explain to her that her that I was hurt because of a lie told about me. Joke or no joke, the premise was in no way true and the truth is something I'm proud of. I know it is not you who makes me feel any certain way. My emotions are my own and your actions are that too. So today I am using my big girl, "I feel because..." words. "Today I feel that an accomplishment which I would've loved for you to support me in was publicly mocked. I feel I was made a fool of at the expense of a laugh. I feel you saw a flaw and took a chance to expose it. I feel that if you had known the reason I gave up Facebook was so I could spend more time being a good wife to my husband; taking time to ask how his day was and truly listen free of distraction, to put more time and effort into strengthening our relationship-- from the big things to the little things like packing lunches or cleaning messes so as our home can be a more comfortable space for us to interact... I feel that had you known this that you would not have been so quick to point a finger. That you would have been more quick to say 'I am sorry for not understanding the gravity my accusation held. I had no idea this was so important to you.'"

To Keliegh, who two and a half years ago, I felt did not deserve my apology, yet I said shallow words begrudgingly... I understand the position I put you in, I understand how my words hurt you. And I am sorry.

The Lenten Season...

As mentioned a few weeks back, I am 'Lenting.'
About 4 years ago or so I decided to start participating in the Catholic tradition of a 40 day fast honoring the sacrifices made by the Savior in his mortal ministry. [When I began, it wasn't a spiritual thing at all, rather just a cleanse from the world I greeted as a healthy challenge.] Fasting begins on "Ash Wednesday" [which this year was the 22nd of February] and is a day to reflect on the repentance of sins. The Tuesday before Ash Wednesday is  known as "Fat Tuesday." I believe this is a day where one can indulge oneself with all the things of the world before going into a prayerful month and a half fasting ceremony. This is where the crazy Mardi Gras celebration comes from...It is a day to celebrate things of the world; lust, gluttony, greed, slothfulness, wrath, envy & pride. Sound familiar? It's all about indulgence, over-indulgence even. I find it funny that the day before we intend to leave the 'world' behind we are to be out celebrating all the worldly marks of the devil. [That sounded very preachy of me, but I'm not sure how else to phrase what I mean to say.] It is like the people who go on diets and have one last hoorah; ordering extra dessert to match their mayonnaise-slathered burger and fries! [with a "Mega Jug" of Diet Pepsi please! This was a half gallon drink we sold at KFC when I worked there in high school; people in the drive thru would--no joke-- order a 3 piece extra crispy drumstick and thigh combo with mashed potatoes and fries, "extra butter for my biscuit, please" all for their light lunch and add the Mega Jug for a mere ninety cents with ("Do you have) Diet(?) Pepsi please"  Who are you kidding!?] I can't cast the first stone though because the day before my fast I was at work savoring my last precious cups of soda and that night checked my Facebook one last time before midnight took it all away from me.
I know that the 40 day fast is intended to be a prayerful fast in which you give up things that may distract you from drawing nearer to God. I am not sure what most people give up, but every year I give up Facebook because it is an idle waste of my time. It also preys on my vanity because I am selfishly checking it every hour from my phone to see if anyone has commented on [how cute I look in] my most recently updated profile pic. [I hear ya', "Like blogging about yourself is any different?"-- but I blog with introspect about subjects which are important to me and usually by the end of the post I have learned a little about myself or at least organized my thoughts on certain topics.]
Three years ago I gave up drinking. Wowzahs! It was shortly after I had moved back from the East Coast and I was out on Fat Tuesday celebrating with my roommate; drinking it up, partying and dancing on tables, yes, dancing on tabletops-- I kid you not. [Not in an 'aspiring ballerina who wasn't good enough for Julliard and needed to earn some quick cash to pay rent in NYC' kind of way, just in a drunken, fun, Cabbage Patch and The Sprinkler moves kind of way.] I was hungover the next morning and overslept, missing my Spanich II class. I was 25 and knew better than to waste money on classes I had no intent to attend or pass, as I had done in my earlier twenties. Giving up alcohol, for what was intended only to be a 40 day hiatus, ended up being a crucial decision for my life. If you've seen "The Vow," you will know these moments of impacts in our lives end up changing things forever. My moment wasn't the the moment I decided to give up alcohol for Lent that year... which flash forward to three years later and still sober. It wasn't  the moment I chose to go out drinking that night. My moment was-- sobering up the following morning and finally realizing that though the East Coast had been fun, I had just spent two and a half years in Plymouth and Providence pissing my life away and here I was back in California doing the same childish thing. My time spent out there was my personal pilgrimage [yet I didn't know it at the time.] It had been a  journey in which I spent my life doing the things I wanted to do, avoiding the things I knew I should be doing. I had no direction and zero motivation to better myself. I was scared to settle into a life out there because I felt I was missing something. It took giving up the lifestyle I had connected to, to  discover just what I was missing.
When I gave up alcohol that morning, I really had only intended it to be a brief time for a personal cleansing of the mind. A challenge I welcomed to test my own personal strengths. What I got was so much more than that. I had already been seeing the missionaries and I believe that because I was in a sober state of mind I was able to better hear and feel The Spirit and understand the promptings I was receiving. I made a choice in April of 2009 to be baptized and that choice has affected my life so deeply.
Participating in the Lenten Season has since become very important to me. You never know how big your small choices may become. Some of our fast choices may seem silly or very minimally crucial to our spiritual growth, yet they all lead us somewhere. This year I have given up Facebook, Pinterest & Perezhilton along with soda and eating pizza at work. Having given up Facebook has lead me to find other sources for internet entertainment. I surf the web half as much as when I am on Facebook and have turned to blogging to fill my minutes of boredom when Jordan is busy with schoolwork. Being disconnected from this social network, one with which the entire purpose is that of fueling our desire and need for instant gratification, has slowed me down and given me time to contemplate issues that were, before, given lesser priority-- though they are of greater importance. [Our most recent Sunday Date for example, was one which likely would not have happened had I not been able to tear myself away from the live streaming mundane minute to minute updates of my 'Facebook Friends'] Whether or not some grand event [like my personal conversion and baptism story] occurs from your Lenten Fast, we will each have learned from the 40 day self-battle, at the very least, that WE ARE STRONGER THAN OUR VICES.


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I am twenty days into my fast and I have deliciously prepared pizza and mouth watering bubbly soda at my fingertips each day, staring me in the eyes--tempting me. I have not succumb to their will, but kept mine strong. The websites I have given up have been the easiest of my problems, as my true weakness is food!
I have been trying to read from the scriptures, lesson manuals or Ensigns each day to keep me spiritually focused. I have not kept track of that particular progress day by day but I would say I'm around 92% achievement!
As far as my gym routine, which I had hoped to amp up[!].... ha! I have only been a time or two in the last three weeks. However, Jordan and I have recently begun discussing a Hawaiian getaway in celebration of our two year anniversary in August; which gives me less than six months to lose 25 pounds [and I had chocolate for breakfast this morning! Ugh.]
                         I know it is possible.
                               I don't know that its likely.
I am nearly at the halfway point [as Lent this year is 46 days] and there is no turning back now. When I decide to take a sip of soda, whether it be in exactly 26 days or I stretch my will power another month or two past Easter, I assume it will be a satisfying splurge. I could allow myself to cheat or give up sooner, but I know that the soda will taste of bittersweet guilt, not having even been worth the loss to myself this personal struggle.

See-- our individual Lenten Fast may seem, to others, silly in nature; but we are responsible to ourselves to make it important  and applicable to our own lives. I was raised very loosely Catholic and now am an active member of the Mormon faith. Where the traditions come from is not more important than the fact that members of any, all, or no denominations can apply the season of Lent to their lives. Lent is a season of self sacrifice in return for personal growth that we can all be better for!

Sunday S'mores & Stylish Cycling

Yesterday I planned a surprise[!] Sunday appropriate date for Jordan and myself...

It was said to be such good weather, so I had planned a special picnic-bike adventure. Jordan only knew that we'd be riding our bikes. And, well, that we'd be having a picnic once we got to our secret destination. I think he also may have figured out our destination less than halfway there, [I'm not a very good sneak] so I had to thrown him off my trail and lie a little by saying we were going further up the trail. We were headed to the outdoor mall I work at because all store but 3 are closed on Sunday, but the music is still going and the fires are left on [for the homeless people?] so we would be able to enjoy the tranquility of the cement wilderness with a little mellow trend music as we ROASTED MARSHMALLOWS at the fire pits! Fun, right!? It was.

The bike ride, though I knew it would be long, was a little more than I bargained for! Ugh. [I'm lazy.] It all seemed uphill, but I felt silly for complaining because it doesn't really look or even seem steep as you're on it, the incline is small but serious business! Jordan asked about three times if we were halfway yet and we weren't-- yet I had already begun my defeated complaint that I was never going to make it. I began looking for any sort of wilderness that would suffice for a picnic spot, however; I had promised Jord a special surprise, so I knew he'd be onto me if we just stopped in the vacant parking lot at the end of Freedom Blvd. So I trudged on. At one point I had to stop cycling and push my bike up a steep hill. I also fell off my bike on the way home [because I almost got ran over by a car since my breaks don't work too well.] It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds, I breaked, then put my feet out to slow me the rest of the way. I was about 1/3 of the way into the crosswalk and started walking backwards while still straddling my bike, the back tire hit the raised curb tilting the bike and pushing me off it. Thankfully cars were passing and hopefully had only seen bits and pieces of the whole incident. The ride home [before the fall] was easy breezy, we took most of the Provo River Trail home and got to ride along side the small river, passing other Mormon couples out on Sunday [walking] dates as we rode. One couple were laying under a blanket on the grass by the river and the boy was on top of the girl smooching and making out[!]; I wished I had a baby with me [like when I lived with Tabby and we were on a picnic date and saw a couple doing the same smoochy thing, though they were really going at it!] so I could point at it [the baby] and yell, "You'll end up with one of these doing that!" Because technically you can get pregnant from kissing... 'Boy-On-Top-Of-Girl, Making-Out' is a gateway drug, everybody knows that. 

I told Jord we were "fashion cycling",  but he didn't seem to understand the "fashion" part so well. He's very logical and academic you know, so fashion isn't exactly his forte. And as we know from his previous modeling stint on my blog, he's not very happy when the camera comes out and he's forced to 'strike a pose!' for me. [I think he gets his fashion sense from his 12 year old sister Sadie, who would probably agree that a brown striped poncho matches with brown plaid cargo shorts as long as he wears brown socks to tie it all together!] 

[We all know I couldn't handle it if he was cuter than me anyway] 

Jordan thinks I could ride this route to work everyday. 

*Puh-leeeeze! It's like 4 3/4 mile ONE way!  

We parked under the gazebo, laid out our blanket and had lunch. I made really yummy turkey sandwiches [because more than a week ago I bought a pound and a half of turkey with all intent in the world to be a good wife and pack my husband lunch everyday for work. *Sigh* I think this is only the second time I've used that turkey. = bad wife] It was a little windier than the day before, but overall a particularly nice day. Wish I might have had a light hoodie... but then that would have messed up my cycle style!

[Look at those beautiful Utah mountains behind us!]

When we first arrived we were the only ones there [aside from the bored employees at Happy Sumo, Victoria's Secret and Gymbore -- some places are so silly to be open on Sundays in Happy Valley!], but soon we saw other bicyclists and people walking their dogs. There was one couple and the husband definitely got the Sunday Cycling in Style memo! Even Jordan agreed. And one couple pulling a baby bike cage thingy along, I wanted to offer them some of our s'mores. When at the store planning my S'mores Date I bought the really large marshmallows. I'm talking really large, they have a picture on the back of a whole graham cracker being used for a s'more sandwich. Well... in my head, at the store, this purchase seemed like a great idea[!], however-- in execution, not so much. Becaaaaaaause; they were so big! Too big. So they burned on the outside and then had a gooey layer, but the middle was still regular mallow, untouched by the heat at all. These were ones you'd have to slow roast over a spickit of hot coals with no flame to warm the middles. 

After dessert Jordan had his fortune told by a gypsy wizard in a box. This counts as good clean Sunday Mormon fun because we only had to spend seventy-five cents... and "Zoltar" or whatever his name is, is fake. He's pretty much the longer haired version of the gypsy wish granter in "Big."

[That's not Jordan, that's Tom Hanks] 

[That is Jordan's fortune though...]

...which said that a dark haired person would soon be out of his life. I have dark hair! What the heck Zoltar!? 

On our way home we took the downhill route, so I could catch a break! Stopping on the bridge at the Provo River to take some cute pictures together.... none of which turned out cute, so we took pictures of each other separate and had a little better luck. 

Jordan said he loved our date, which I hope is true. And since we had such a late lunch I got out of making dinner! Yay! We just grubbed on a bunch of desserty snacks the rest of the night because we had couples-friends over for Game Night. Which was a great ending to our Sunday. 

I liked planning an odd, fun and inexpensive date for us. We don't get much time together between work and school. Sundays are usually filled with church meetings and lesson planning, then naps. I think if we make plans for mini dates on Sunday we can keep from wasting the day away. I can even crock pot something in afternoon before we leave so it'll be ready for dinnertime whenever we get home. And Game Night is going to have to turn into a monthly event! "Hella Skiing!"

Quarter Life Crisis!

Last year, shortly after we got married, people started asking, "When are you going to have kids!?" "Um, Hi, we've been married for like 2 months." No joke. People were asking so soon. I'm Mormon, right? That's what we do-- just mass produce babies. NOT. Look at that '32 Kids & Counting' lady (obviously I'm exaggerating, I know it's only like 21), she's had two full litters and she's not LDS. Although I think she does belong to some Christian denomination. I can't understand how she and her husband could ever personally know and have a individual connection with each one of their children. From the looks of the show it seems like all the older kids take care of the younger ones without too much help from mom and dad. So needless to say, I do not want that large of a family. Three or four will do me just fine. Five, only if there are twins in there somewhere! "But you're Mormon, don't you have to have like 7 or 8 at least?" Again, these are real people asking these real-ly ignorant questions. "No." is the answer for any of you still wondering.
Perhaps people do not understand how intrusive it is to question someone about starting a family. I mean really; you have to think about the personal nature of asking someone when or if they intend to create a family. There are so many factors involved and perhaps even suppose Jordan or I weren't able to produce a baby, or we had been trying all along with no luck. I know women have been creating life since the beginning of time, but it is naiive to assume it should be so easy for everyone.-- rant finished. So, to those who asked the question., "Kiiiiiiiids?" I told them, "Oh late next year we'll likely start trying. When Jordan has finished school and we both don't have so much on our plate. We just got married and would like to spend our first year or two really exploring each other and getting to know one another, falling in love on a deeper level than we have been able to love in our short eight month courtship." Well... that was last year, which means 'late next year' has now become the end of this year! Yikes, right!?
The idea of a family has started to become very real to me. Although Jordan and I have always known we want to start a family generally speaking in the 'sooner rather than later' category (I turned 28 last month and am not getting any younger. Believe me, I know-- the same people mentioned above keep reminding me!) it is still a scary prospect. Last night as I was eating a warned up bowl of chili after getting home from work at 9:45, as Jordan sat on the couch doing homework; I looked over at the sink-- not filled to the brim with dirty dishes like I usually allow it to grow, but dishes were ever-present that needed to be tended to-- I thought to myself, "I am too selfish to be a parent right now." Not voluntarily, mind you. I mean, I am eager for the day when Jordan and I can look at the double lines and plus signs on a half a dozen different pregnancy tests (don't some of them just say 'YES' or 'PREGNANT'?... 'THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW, B*!') and joyfully and  fearfully embrace what our lives are soon to become. Yet, I shudder to say, am I really an adult yet?? I have been saying that for the last ten years. Maybe even longer since I started working my first full time job. Am I ready or even able to be responsible for another human life?
Recently it has become topic of discussion that we could start looking at houses if we wanted. HOUSES. Oh my fetch, right? ("fetch" just threw that little Mormon gem in there for the fun of it!) Houses, children, Jordans graduation, Amber working on salary... when did all this happen? I mean, really? I guess the question is when does all this happen for most people? Haha, statistically we may be trailing behind others who graduated the ideal 4 years after they were legally allowed to buy cigarettes and porn. Yet this age bracket we're in doesn't feel the way the doe-eyed little children we all once were thought it would feel. Am I right? Please, someone, justify me here. I am not the only one feeling age sneaking up and the list of life's wolda' been / coulda' been / shoulda' been  accomplishments fading into  the distance, am I?? So I feel so old, yet the prospect of home ownership and becoming a parent seem to have rounded the corner too soon. Weird, right. I guess this is what a mid-life crisis feels like; only I plan to live past my sixties, so it must be that quarter life crisis I've heard about smacking me square in the face!
The other day when contemplating this all, I thought, 'how do people do it--??' Really? As we are right now;  Jordan has classes 5 days a week and works 4, always home by 7 at the latest, while I work 45 hours in a 5 day span-- home by 5 or 6 only 3 nights a week. Our weekends are busily spent working and studying. I have tried to start planning meals a week ahead of time, even just writing out a menu for the nights I'm home so I know just what to pull out of the cupboards rather than waste time deliberating what tasty meal we should have that evening. We're more on top of our bills than we realistically anticipated we'd be when we first got married. We are madly in love and work on our relationship everyday. ...Jordan said to me when I asked him in exasperation, "How do people do it; bring babies into the world, shift their lives around to accommodate this life changing being?," "People dumber than us have done it," he said. Haha, I don't know if that is supposed to give me hope or what? I can't help but still think-- how are we ever going to make this work. As I pointed out, our lives right now aren't exactly baby friendly. I am lucky if I drag myself out of bed inthe morning in  time for work. Imagine me being responsible for this whole little... person! And yet, people dumber, poorer, less in love, or even accidentally-- have made it work. So we can too! Jordan said that's what the gestation period is for, to figure it all out! Here I am, breaking down and freaking out about daycare, safe travel, baby clothes, the right/healthy baby food, even my own health needs as minimal as my oral health (which I have heard can actually affect the fetus), highchairs, cribs, SIDS, dying during childbirth (yes, I am very freaked about this!), the $$$-cost of adding a third life to our two person budget, on and on... and I'm not even near pregnant yet.
Man, Bridezilla I was not; but fat, hormonal, freaked out pregnant woman I will be!

We haven't decided to 'start trying' yet, but I figure 'tis better to have a meltdown now than then. I'm an answers girl. And a planner. So I constantly feel the need to fill the calendar and check off checklists. Knowing that we're fully prepared would be a great comfort, but like Jordan said, there will be time for that. I've had the emotional freak-out I think we're all entitled to; "Am I at the right job?," "Am I shortchanging myself by staying where I'm at?," "Should I go back to school now?," "What should I finally major in?," "What do I want to be when I grow up!?," "Do we have kids now or wait until we're better established?," "Is it time to stop renting and put our money into a home that can be ours?," "Should we look at houses in Utah?," "Where would we like to 'end up'?," "How soon would we even be able to fully furnish our own home?," "Fashionably in the style we like, not just inexpensive items from the DI?" "What if one of our jobs takes us elsewhere and we have to rent or sell our house, are we prepared for that expense and liability?," "What if Jordan's job takes us elsewhere, am I going to be able to find a job?," "Doing what I like?," "That pays me well?," "What if I don't have a routine pregnancy or delivery?," "What if something goes awry!?" I guess there are no guarantees in life. I can allow my mind to wander and play the 'What-if Game' day in and out, but I don't anticipate I will get too many answers until any one, or several, of the 'what-ifs' just happen and we are forced to deal with them on the spot. There is no preparing for l.i.f.e., right? We can't build the dream life out of sticks, but we can create a loving and nurturing environment to bring children into. In hopes of  raising them as moral, upstanding, free thinking individuals. We can prepare as best we can now, but the thing I have to understand is that we will keep growing. Continuously. As will the world happening around us.
Life happens.
If I wait around in fear of every little thing that could go wrong, I will waste mine. I can plan and plan all I want, but the fact of life is that things rarely go according to plan. You can't be prepared for every detour along the way. We may not even entirely be in control of deciding when to start the future family I am freaking out over. So-- when God decides to bless us with the first little bundle of our family-- whether we're both at our dream jobs, making the dream salary, in our dream house, or not (more than likely, not) we'll embrace every minute and detail.
Having faith we CAN DO THIS.