Under Pressure

I went to the doctor yesterday for my 40 week checkup and I could not believe how antsy my doctor was! He has been so great throughout this pregnancy, but yesterday he was insisting I get my membranes stripped even though I am only one day "past due." A "due date" is just an educated guess after all, right? What are those called in science? An educated guess is a hypothesis-- "if/then" situations.  So the doctor says very early on in the pregnancy [around 8 weeks] that based on the little peanuts measurements and later continued organ growth that his "due date" is a certain day. "If I'm right then the baby will be born April 22nd." 

Sounds valid, right? Ha. ...and if not? ...then? 

I declined to let him strip my membranes because a "due date" doesn't carry much weight for me-- you can't tell a baby when to come, you can't tell my body when to make him come; I'm sorry, but you cant fight nature and God on this one. Sure science and medical technology have advanced so much that I have multiple forms of induction choices at my fingertips, but why? I believe God did a pretty great job making our bodies for the amazing purpose of procreation, right? Women used to birth in caves, pioneer women birthed out in the plains; and somehow without medicines I was born into this world from generations and generations of women who lived before there was a choice to schedule your "due date." Women still birth at home without intervention, desiring a more serene atmosphere than the blinding lights of the hospital will allow. Those stories of women having their babies in taxi cabs-- they're true. It happens. It may not be ideal and yes, I understand complications can arise; putting mom or baby's life in danger, but if a woman wishes to let her body do what nature has intended and created it to do then she should be allowed. 

My doctor said, "I'm going to strip your membranes today!" 

To which I replied jovially, "No, you're not!" 

And he said with a sly smile, "Yes I am." 

And I more firmly replied, "No. You're not." 

I think what had really set me aback was that he suggested it only one day after my "due date," when we had already discussed weeks ago that he was comfortable to let me go into 41 weeks before he'd adamantly suggest induction. 

I have also been feeling a lot of pressure from outside parties; the constant incoming calls and texts; "Are you in labor?" "Are you dilated?" "Any contractions yet?" along with suggestions of 'home remedies' to get my labor started... the underlying suggestion-- whether understood and intended or not, is that my body is not good enough, my sons body is not good enough, what we are doing here together is not good enough! It's invasive. I really never anticipated I'd go through something like this at a time in my life that is supposed to be so beautiful, pure and personal. My husband and I are creating a family, strengthening our bond, furthering our life together; and though I understand that friends and family around us are simply excited to meet our new addition, I also feel like I'm on a timeline to please those around me. A lot of first births [heck, a lot of births period] naturally run well into the 41st week... and that's okay. But all of the sudden you give someone a "due date" and they have expectations. We don't. Jordan and I don't. And we are the parents here. We are the ones most excited to meet the little soul we're going to love and cherish for the rest of our lives, yet it seems like we are the only ones willing to allow him to make his grand entrance in his own due time. 

Let me clarify that there is no cause for concern about my health or my babies. The preeclampsia was just a scare, the doctor spotted protein in my urine and wanted to err on the safe side so we ran the tests- which came back negative. Baby has been kicking and active, scoring A's and B's on his kick chart, his heartbeat has always been in the target range, I'm measuring according to the weekly development which I should be. Baby has even dropped and is in perfect position for delivery, so what's the rush. He is showing all the correct signs of a safe and healthy baby and even showing by his dropping that he is getting into position and will be ready for birth soon. If there were any cause for concern, believe you me-- we would take the necessary actions to get Baby out while keeping Baby and  Mommy safe! I am not ignorant or prideful so that I would push away medical help simply to have the "natural birth" I desire. My true desire, my only want in all this is-- my son. The end result I am working towards is not a natural un-medicated birth at any and all cost-- the end result is a happy, healthy baby boy and a safe mommy who doesn't die in delivery. That simple. Heck, if it meant my son getting out alive or myself, I'd like to think I'd even be willing to forgo the latter half of that statement, no matter how scary a thought that really is.

So now because of the conversations with the doctor and the outside noise of others, I have come to feel like I'm on a timeline. That Baby may not even be given the chance to come on his own, so if I want to avoid medical intervention I'd better start intervening myself and try to induce labor at home. Rather than ENJOY my last few days of pregnancy; enjoy this special bonding time with my baby that I will never have again, time that I can never get back, time that has created a closeness between not only me and my baby, but my husband and I as well. 

I really do understand that not one person is saying anything in malice. My loved ones are clearly not purposefully wanting or trying to make me feel this way, but I do. Because of the words of others I feel pressured. I try to drown it all out, not let it get under my skin, but that's easier said than done. 

I wonder if people stop to think before they speak? I wonder that if people knew how scared I am if they'd act differently? If they knew that I really want to try to have my son naturally because I need to overcome the fear inside me telling me I CAN'T... all the while they're telling me I shouldn't. Tears run down my face as I write this last part because you never really know everything a person has gone through that molds them. I have nothing to prove to others by doing this my way. It's not even about proving anything to myself-- I am doing this my way because it is my body, my son, my family; my husband is on board and has never been more understanding or supportive of me for at least wanting to TRY!