The Inner Monologue of a Stay at Home Mom...

Last night Harrison went to bed a half an hour early.
Without a fuss. 
In Daddy's arms.
...while I played around on my new iPad the hubby got me.

Then he woke up at a quarter after one. Ugh.
(He usually sleeps through the night until about six.)
And again at four.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
All night long.

He woke again at six, right on cue.
Bottle, diaper change and the regular morning wiggles.
Kicking me in my arms and chest as I try to sleep through it hoping he'll eventually get tired and fall back asleep.
No such luck.
But I knew this already.

I pick him up and hold him above my head and call him 'handsome,' I get a slew of those early morning smiles I love!

Daddy says prayer with us and here starts my day alone with baby.
I decide a swaddle and the rest of his bottle is my best bet at getting him to "nap" less than an hour since he woke.
Ambitious, I know, but he's gotta be as tired as I am,
Right?
...oh babies, you are endless pits of poop and energy! 

Somehow it works!
It is a Christmas miracle, Charlie Brown.
Christmas in July.

And when he wiggles me awake again it is nearly two and a half hours later!
Thank my lucky stars.

About an hour and a half later he takes another bottle and surprisingly falls into a baby milk coma and my inner turmoil begins...

"Do I clip his nails or take a shower?"
"He really needs his nails trimmed..."
"...I really need a shower!"

"It's too risky, he's barely been asleep a few minutes."

"He's awful close to the edge of the bed."
"Nah, I can fit a pillow there. That's at least a roll and a half."
"...and he's on his back. He's only rolled over four times so far. And that was from tummy to back."
"...I mean, what are the odds that today is the day he rolls from back to tummy.. and back again..?"
"...in is sleep."

"I could move him over to the middle."
"No. He'll wake up for sure."
"The pillows will do. I'll barricade him with two and put two more on the ground to catch his fall in case he does fall."
"Man, that's still a two foot drop to safety of the pillows. Assuming he doesn't do some fancy mid air roll my mommy forum has not warned me about and bounced, missing the pillows."
"In which case it's about a three foot drop to the floor."
"What if he rolls through the pillow fortress, safely onto the pillow catch below, but then rolls off those face first into that giant multi plug Jordan has sticking out of the wall."
"Man that thing is hideous! Didn't I ask him to hide that under the bed?"
"He'll be fine."
"He'll be fine." 
"I'm sure he'll be fine. That's like 3 feet from the edge."

"Should I leave the door open? He's right there, he's definitely gonna wake up."
"If I shut it I can't see him."
"Maybe halfway."

*I get in the empty shower to see if I can see him through the mirror with the door shut halfway.
 I can't.
 Nor can I see him with the door wide open...

"I'm screwed."
"I'm guess I'm just never showering again."

"Well, I can't see him, but I CAN see the pillows blocking him..."
"So I could see if he falls."
"I can't stop him from falling, but I could at least get to him within seconds after the fall."
"He's not going to fall."
"I'm being crazy."
"If Jordan only knew what was going on in my head right now, he might go crazy FOR me."
[I only let him in on about a tenth of my crazy!]

I decide to shower.

"He'll be FINE."

I usually don't closer my eyes in the shower for the same reason as every other mildly sane person out there-- I don't want to become vulnerable to the killer who gets you in your shower when you let your guard down; but this time I had to keep wiping the fog from the glass to check on my baby. Or the pillows, rather.

I get a nice hot ten minute shower and Harrison was fine.
As I turn off the faucet I don't hear any cries, so he must have slept through the noise.
And then...
it happens before I can do anything about it.
One of those slow motion, "Noooooo!" movie moments.
The shampoo bottle falls to the floor.

"Sunnuvab*tch."
That one I said aloud.

Aaaaand, he's awake.

  "...At least I'm clean." 

Mama's little Wiggle Worm!

Another month has come and gone. So many new things to report; some big, most little, but all news! Harrison's personality is really coming through, he's such a curious little baby. And I really can't believe how big he's gotten. 

[click to enlarge]

Harrison has discovered his hands [and feet] and sometimes goes cross-eyed looking at his fists so closely!

 Wants Mommy and Daddy to suck on his hands like he does. Blegh! 

He used to just be confused at bath time, not sure if he should enjoy it or cry, well he figured it out... he cries the whole way through. 

He's such a smart little guy, if his binky falls out to the side when he is laying down he pushes it back in his mouth with his little balled up fist. 

Oh man! I forgot to write, "GRABBING AT STUFFED ANIMALS" on his picture. That is a major one! He is finally grabbing a little! 

...And putting everything in his mouth to chew and explore. 

Afraid of Big People sneezes, they make him cry; even though he sneezes all the time himself. Always in sets of 3's and 5's. 

Has perfected his pouty face! 

Daddy constantly wants to feed him maple syrup, but Mommy says 'no.' 

Arg, I'm terrible at this, I forgot again-- 

Harrison has been teething already! 

Yikes, I know. His two bottom teeth are right below the gum-line ready to come in, but he hasn't cut them yet. What a big boy! What was Mama eating while you were inside, man? Mega hormones, I guess. 

Had his first BIG TRIP to California for his Baby Blessing! 

Slept almost all the way there, woke up right at Toms Farms at 4 in the morning, grumpy from being cooped up for a 10 hour drive. Poor little guy.

Oh, and he has finally realized the comfort of being swaddled and now almost wont go to sleep for nap or bed if he's not swaddled up tight. 

Good TRIUMPHS over Evil!

Jordan took me to Burlington Coat tonight because he know's I've been scoping out some adorable baby suits there for Harrison. Unfortunately there is not one near us for miles, so we had to drive out to Gheto-ville, Utah [seriously, the place had no air conditioning!] When we got there we got Harrison's carrier in the cart and plopped my purse/diaper bag in the basket and I took off for jewelry while Jordan was getting Harrison situated. Well, I guess something was unsafe with the cart because I saw Jordan switched carts and I waved at him as he took off to Mens. Now I swear I saw he had the bag in the new cart, but apparently he had not!! 

DUN, DUN, DUN!! 

[...grrr!!] 

About ten minutes, or so, later Jordan gets a call from a random number and it's this lady saying she has my purse! 

                        SAY WHAT!? 

She had been leaving BC when two kids ran out of the store with my purse [which was ever so easily and temptingly left in clear sight, in a basket, inside the store, at the front right by the door with all the other carts], but when they saw her looking at them she figures they thought the purse belonged to her and they just threw it and ran away. 

She picked it up and rifled through it until she found my wallet and looked for ID, then my phone and somehow managed to find Jordan's number to call [he's not labeled as my husband and my phone doesn't do ICE contacts.] When she returned my purse everything was just as it should be...  AMAZING!

Hooray for the Good Samaritan!   

Jordan's Talk

Learning to overcome adversity

Today I speak of how we can learn to overcome adversity. Elder Richard G Scott said “Trials, disappointments, sadness, and heartache come to us from two basically different sources. Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges. The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord’s own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing.” He goes on to say it is vital to know which causes of our challenges. We should repent and counsel with the Bishop if our transgressions are the source of our adversity. For all other trials that come upon the righteous, we must seek what the Lord would have us learn.

As a missionary I met with my mission president for an interview every six weeks. Sometimes it was five minutes, sometimes it was an hour and a half. He’d ask questions and then be silent after you thought you had answered- often these moments would draw out deeper feelings than had previously been expressed. One such occasion got me talking- I told my mission president that I was somewhat confused: I’d been working more diligently than ever before but I wasn't seeing anything come from it. He listened kindly and then asked me to turn to Alma chapter thirty with him.  I did so, feeling familiar with the chapter but not seeing any application for me.  What did Korihor and his preaching against Christ, the atonement and the plan of Salvation have to do with me?

Together we read verses 43 and 44.

43 And now Korihor said unto Alma: If thou wilt show me a sign, that I may be convinced that there is a God, yea, show unto me that he hath power, and then will I be convinced of the truth of thy words.

44 But Alma said unto him: Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.

President Nichols, a man of compassion, looked up from his scriptures into my eyes and said, “Elder Hughes, thou hast had signs enough.” On the surface I thought I should feel rebuked, but I didn't. I felt loved.

His assessment was spot on. As I’d become a more confident missionary, my humility had waned and I was leading with less faith. I just expected the work to produce results- I had been slow to see if my desire was aligned with the Lord’s will. I’m not sure why but I had let the work become about myself. I left the interview realizing I had approached this period the wrong way.  Instead of trying to learn and grow, I resorted to asking questions that weren't helpful: “Why is this happening to me? What have I done to cause this?” The correct approach was to persevere with faith and remember all the signs the Lord had already given me. I’d like to take a moment and review my signs.  

• I have a testimony of tithing. I've felt the windows of heaven open and blessings poured out.  It has always blessed me with a job. Not always what I wanted or when I wanted, but what I needed and when I needed it.
• I have a testimony of the word of wisdom.  I have been blessed with health and protection as I've treated my body like the holy vessel it is. 
• I know the scriptures are the word of God. I know that as we “diligently ^aseeketh[we] shall find; and the ^bmysteries of God shall be unfolded unto [us], by the power of the ^cHoly Ghost” (1N10:19)
• I've had the guidance of the spirit in my life as I've strived to take upon me the name of Christ and keep his commandments.
• I know the sealing power has been restored and it provides a great strength to my marriage and family.

During his ministry, Christ comes upon his disciples arguing with scribes (Mark 9). As he asks what the issue is, a man steps out of the crowd. He explains to the Savior,

17 …Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit;

18 And wheresoever he taketh him, he teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to thy disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not.

They brought the boy before Christ where

20 …the spirit tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming.

The father pleaded:

22 If thou canst do anything, have compassion on us and help us.

23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

Elder Holland’s talk last conference was titled after this man’s words, “Lord, I believe.” I would like to contrast this man’s response to adversity with mine. Elder Holland’s first observation is that ‘straightaway’ the father asserts his strength. His strength being his faith.  

I quote, “I would say to all who wish for more faith, remember this man! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes... The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.”

Elder Holland’s next observation is almost a restatement of the first: do not lead with your doubts. Can you imagine the difference if this man had explained his doubts first; if he had hesitated and reasoned to himself with how nothing had helped so far; if he said that he had believed before but it hadn't helped so far. I fear it may have altered the healing of the boy.

I love the gospel. It never asks for faith to be pretended. The gospel asks individuals to try and know for themselves. God doesn't fulfill the promise in Moroni randomly, but all who ask with belief and works will be answered with a witness of the Spirit.  Our questions and the weak points of our testimony need to be addressed, but they shouldn't be magnified to where they overshadow the the light we've previously gained.

Brothers and Sisters we have more faith than we think we do.  Elder Holland said so in his talk.  Earlier I chose to list some points of my testimony that have developed from exercising faith. This is a process I need to do more often. As I did this I realized that I could have a collection of my testimony building experiences. The aggregate of these experiences written in detail could serve as an evidence of the Lord’s involvement in my life. What a great place to turn during times of difficulty or to share with those not seeing the Lord’s hand in their life.  Sharing our testimony is a great opportunity to reflect on our own spiritual convictions. If you haven’t had these experiences ask the righteous people you know what fruits of the gospel they've seen in their life.  It isn't difficult to recognize the happiness in the lives of those who keep the commandments.

I've also recognized that we need to leave room for the spirit to speak to us. Once upon a time I would wake up to music, drive with music and go to sleep with music.  Not allowing time to ponder or reflect on your spiritual state can stifle the spirit. One of my favorite verses reminds me of this.  I hear the voice of a loving patient parent in these words: Be still and know that I am God (Doctrine & Covenants 101:16).

In preparation of this talk, I've learned to look forward to adversity.  Adversity is an opportunity to exercise faith. Our perfect loving Heavenly Father has allowed adversity into our lives in order to teach us. Elder Scott calls these trials ‘evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.’ Choosing to respond with ‘thy will be done’ will be the quickest route to peace regardless of the length or severity of the trial.

Let us not forget the counsel to ‘be of good cheer.’ This phrase occurs many times in the scriptures. The Savior said to his apostles before going into the Gethsemane, “In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have over come the world” (John 16:33). Neal A. Maxwell explains how they could find happiness:

The unimaginable agony of Gethsemane was about to descend upon Jesus; Judas’ betrayal was imminent. Then would come Jesus’ arrest and arraignment; the scattering of the Twelve like sheep; the awful scourging of the Savior; the unjust trial; the mob’s shrill cry for Barabbas instead of Jesus; and then the awful crucifixion on Calvary. What was there to be cheerful about? Just what Jesus said: He had overcome the world! The atonement was about to be a reality. The resurrection of all mankind was assured. Death was to be done away with—Satan had failed to stop the atonement. [But a Few Days (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1983), 4]

            When your trials come ask for help. We have not been left comfortless but with a hand that reaches out to us still. I've recognized a pharisee-like tendency to distance ourselves from the atonement as we distance ourselves from sin. Sister Camille Fronk explained,

I can realize that I will do more to help another person find the Lord by admitting my utter dependence on Christ in my actions and informal conversations than by parading a seemingly perfect outward appearance, which all too frequently communicates that I no longer need Him. We should be competing against sin, not trying to determine who needs the Savior less. When we acknowledge that we each face difficulties; that the Savior overcame the world; that He has lifted and strengthened and given vision to each of us in very personal ways, we will realize that we are never alone. We will feel a peace within even though the crisis without still rages. We will be filled with hope and even cheer.

As Elder Holland said: Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.

I pray that as we actively remember our faith we will learn to overcome adversity with trust in the Lord and the desire to learn and grow.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Merril J. Bateman - A Faith that Preserves and Strengthens

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland - Lord, I Believe

Elder Richard G Scott - Trust in the Lord

Sister Camille Fronk - In the World Ye Shall Have Tribulations: But Be of Good Cheer

A talk for Sacrament

What are you willing to give up to be a disciple of Christ? 

Because I am a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, family, friends and sometimes even strangers often ask me what I had to give up for my membership in The Church. What I was willing to exchange for my discipleship of Christ. Though-- I have to say it’s a tough question to answer because I’ve never seen this journey to discipleship as a loss. I've never thought of my spiritual conversion to God, Christ and His gospel as anything but complete gain.

Yet they always ask; so I wondered to myself-- what did I ‘give up?’ What did I have to lose? Alcohol, some partying, coffee- which I was surprisingly never a big fan of anyway, tank tops and short dresses- now that was harder than the alcohol! Shopping & working on Sundays, R rated movies, 10% of my income… these are a few things that come to mind. However, I think that when people ask what worldly vices it is that I haaaad to let go of, they should really be asking themselves, “What’do I have to lose?”

I guess I've never thought of anything I've “lost” as a sacrifice. I've never felt that the negative connotation that the world associates with the word, ‘sacrifice’ was the right way to describe my conversion. Because I gained so many blessings in return. And so my conversion brings me joy. Elder Neal A. Maxwell agrees that, “There is no greater calling, no greater challenge, and no greater source of joy-- both proximate joy and ultimate joy-- than that which is found in the process of discipleship.” You see-- it was an exchange, as I feel most dealings with Our Heavenly Father are. The Lord always challenges us; asking first for our dedication before giving so freely of the blessings we may receive. And so it is hard for some when they are more focused on the suffering of what they stand to lose that they cannot see what they stand to gain. 

Discipleship is defined by Webster’s online dictionary as, “an assistance of spreading the teachings of another.” Yet my Bible Dictionary reads, a disciple is “a pupil or learner.” So is a disciple a teacher or a student? Both. In exchange for preaching the gospel I am often rewarded with an increase of knowledge acquired from those I teach. This is, I believe, the circle discipleship is meant to be.  

Elder Dallin H. Oaks claims that being a disciple of Christ is as easy as “follow[ing] in the footsteps of our Savior.” “[His] example and teachings define the path for every follower of Christ.” Yet it’s not that simple is it? Because when we ask ourselves, ‘What am I willing to give up to better become a true disciple of Christ?’ we can only answer by asking another question… ’What was Christ willing to give up for me?’ To which the answer is; EVERYTHING. He gave up his family, his home, his time, his pride, and eventually his LIFE. 

How can we compete with that you might ask? But we’re not meant to. 

We’re meant only to TRY.    

In Elder Dallin H. Oaks April 2013 General Conference talk, “Followers of Christ,” he asks, “… [how] each of us qualify as followers of Christ [?]” stating that “Jesus’s teachings were not meant to be theoretical. Always they were meant to be acted upon.” And that “Following Christ is not a casual or occasional practice, but a continuous commitment and way of life…” So I ask, of our continuous commitment, how do we qualify?

I’d like to focus on the last three points I mentioned I believe Jesus gave for us—TIME, PRIDE and his LIFE.

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Christ chose to spend his TIME here in the Telestial World preaching the word of The Father to all in need. We know that Jesus’s mortal ministry was three years. For three full years he did nothing but concern himself with the mortal and eternal wellbeing of others. Seeking out those in need in hopes of bringing a knowledge of truth and light back into their lives. Our Saviors hand was never forced, he was not sold into a life of servitude to Our Heavenly Father; rather he willingly chose his role, “Thy will be done,” he said.

We can give of our time as little or as freely as we are willing. Pray often, study the scriptures, church magazines and educational books, dedicate Sundays for church and family time, plan and execute Family Home Evening weekly, attend new member baptisms, set dates for the temple, magnify callings, serve in missions and so on. Time should be the easiest of these three things to give up, yet it always seems the hardest doesn't it? Because we live in a fast passed self-centered world that is all about go-go-go and me-me-me.

Sometimes during the week when I am home alone, as Harrison naps, I just look at him in awe of the time, patience and love God must have spent creating this perfect little body to house this perfect little soul and I am overcome with joy that He was willing to send Harrison to me and Jordan. And all He asks in return is that we take the time throughout our son’s life to do as His own Son did-- and teach Harrison the gospel to bring him back to his Father in Heaven. 

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Now PRIDE, I’d like to think that I am not alone in the battle against pride. 

It can rear its ugly little head at so many points in our lives and rule over us if we if we are unable to control it. 

I remember when Jordan and I decided to give up R-rated movies a few years ago. It was the first year into our marriage when I was planning a Girls Night, dinner and a movie. I was excited that a new friend from church was able to come, however a few days later she regretfully informed me that her husband would like her only to attend dinner and skip the movie because it was rated “R.” I understood her respect to her husband, but was confused that as adults they would categorize ALL R-rated movies as bad just because a Prophet or an Apostle had counseled against the viewing of such films years ago.

When the night came, I said goodbye to her after dinner and went with my other girlfriends to see the movie. It was funny. It was inappropriate, but it gave me a good laugh at the time. That was the last R rated movie I saw. Her husband’s obedience to even the smallest letter of the law struck a chord with me. Jordan and I discussed that even though we’re adults, we can still learn a thing or two. We’d all like to think we always know what is best for us. It’s hard to acknowledge when we’re WRONG. Even harder, is the necessary change that comes after that realization, but if we set aside our pride we become teachable and our hearts are opened to follow Christ as he would have us.

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And finally LIFE. Jesus not only gave his life in death to atone for man’s sin; but dedicated his life, returning lost sheep to the fold. Luke 14:33 reads, “…whosever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.” Those who wish to be disciples of the Lord must be willing to give everything as did our Savior. How many can say they are willing to die for their beliefs? I do not, however, believe that is what Heavenly Father wants for us. We do not have to give our lives as many pioneers who came before us did. We can give OF our lives by taking on the name of Christ through baptism and following closely in his footsteps. We should happily and willingly be a tool in the hands of the Lord. To give of our time, put aside our pride, and let God guide our lives in the direction that allows Him to bless others through us.  

I ask you today, not what you already have or what more you are willing to give up for your discipleship. Instead, I ask you what is standing in the way of you holding closely and firmly to that iron rod, as you navigate your way along the path Christ has left for us? What is holding you back?  

Christ gave up EVERYTHING.
When we ask ourselves what there might be that we are not willing to give up,  

...I hope we can all answer-- NOTHING.

These words I say humbly in the name of Jesus Christ, 

AMEN.

[P]Lay Date

Baby had his first "play date" yesterday with the son of an old neighbor. 

Julie's son, C, was born almost a month after Harrison, but looks to be a full inch or two taller! ...and man, the hair on that one! So jealous. Me, not Harrison. He couldn't care less. 

By "play date" I mean that the boys laid next to each other on the floor for all of a minute before one of the two of them started crying and then spent the rest of the afternoon in their respective moms arms whilst we talked about our pregnancies, deliveries and motherhood. C noticed Harrison when he started crying and C was curious as to how that sound was possibly coming out of him with absolutely no effort at all. While Harrison only noticed C at the end when Mamas made them stare at each other to say "buh-bye" and Harrison just wondered to himself, 'Hey, that baby doesn't look like the baby I usually see in the mirror!?' 

I forgot to take a picture of the two of them together, next time. Hopefully by then they will at least be interacting with toys well enough to cry when one takes a toy away from the other. Oh babies!