Loco, Laca, Besa

I used to run around calling people, "loco, laca, besa" while twirling my finger in a circle around my ear and yelling with a crude Hispanic accent, 

"You crazy in the brain! You loco!" 

I later learned it was actually, "Loco en la cabeza," but you know how quickly those Mexicans speak and it all slurs together. You never have any idea whether they just said three words or thirty! And I say, 'those Mexicans' in only the most endearing of ways; my uncle is one of THEM, so it's not racist when I say it. [Isn't that the rule? If you know someone who knows someone who's black then you can't be called a racist, that works with all ethnicities, right?] When you're six and getting your information from your burly Mexican cow wrangling uncle, things are bound to get misconstrued. He once told me what apple pie was made out of at a family holiday... 

"Do you know what's in that pie?" 

"Yeah, Tio, apples. It's apple pie." 

"NO. It's bulls juevos. Do you know what that is?" 

"No?" 

"BULLS BALLS!" 

Yep, my Uncle Tony told me apple pie was made out of bulls balls. 

And who knows, it might have been. I can't be sure who brought the pie, so maybe he made it and was playing a Thanksgiving prank on everyone. 

And I never ate apple pie again.
No, seriously. I am nearing my thirtieth birthday and I have yet to taste apple pie since that fated day. I have only recently taken up eating whipped cream again; only on things I can be certain are NOT bulls balls. See, there was whipped cream on the pie and I associated it with the traumatizing event of the day; surprised I still use forks? Honestly, me too.

Jordan has been thinking lately that I am a little crazy in the head because I'm a little bit overprotective of my family and our home. He'll tell you it's more than a little, but like my Tio Tony-- he can't be trusted. 

I keep warning Jordan not to open the door to salespeople and most certainly not to give our information out to a n y o n e . Summer salesmen [and one super butch lesbian that came by last week-- again, I am protected by the rule of association, my sister and her lover are lesbians!] are so pushy and NOSEY! And there are all sorts of scams going on out there, so it's really best to politely tell them we're entirely not interested and let them go on their way. Jordan is a trusting guy and I used to be a pretty trusting gal, but I've got a defenseless little one to protect now, so my Mama Bear instincts are kicking into full gear and I see nothing wrong with just telling people we're in no need of their services and asking them to leave.

  

Well, the latest scam is this: Some "foreigners" [I don't know a single "foreigner" so I have to put it in quotes like that] come to your door and tell you they're selling children's books to raise money for their stay here in America. When you tell them you have no children and are not interested, they ask you to point out houses in the neighborhood that do have children. Or if you DO have children, whether you buy books or not, they will ask you to come inside to use your bathroom. If you oblige, they come in and look around to locate your child's bedroom so they can later tell their handler where your children sleep at night because they are not foreign exchange students at all, they are pawns in a sex trafficking ring looking for children to kidnap! 

I know, I thought this all was a little elaborate when I first heard about it too!

Until I was at my friends house AND IT HAPPENED! 

Nobody got kidnapped, but some very pushy foreign girl had come to the door before I'd gotten there and luckily nobody had given her information, but rather told her the police were being called, at which point she ran off, got into a sketchy car at the corner of the street and high tailed it out of there. 

Totally scary, right? 

Turns out, I am not crazy after all. HA- Jordan! 

Well, I did meet this particular friend on the internet and was meeting her for the first time that day... so maybe I am a just slightly loca en mi cabeza.