Motherhood [for real this time]

Being a parent is hard. 

        Very hard. 

I never expected it to be easy. I knew it would take dedication, patience 

and love. Did I say patience? Lots of patience. I know my own mother 

and probably many mothers out there are laughing to themselves 

saying, "What did you think you were getting yourself into, kid?" 

But the truth is-- you just don't know. You sign on for this lifelong / life-altering job and you really have no idea what to expect. Because no matter what others tell you, no two experiences are going to be the same. 

Jordan and I knew we were in for a wild ride, for sure. Something intense. But until you are in it. And I mean the thick of it. Well, there's just no way to wrap your mind around what is to come. I can't even say that tonight I am particularly tired. [Because I always am.] I am exhausted... beyond the point of tired. I am simply beat. Mind, body and spirit. H is sleeping in his swing now, at 11:30 at night, but for the past 2 hours or so he has been fighting sleep.
                                                                                              Wiggling. 

                                                                                                  ....and man, can this boy wiggle!  

He's asleep in his swing right now and I'm buying time until I am confident enough that he is deep in sleep so I can move him to his crib and go to bed. In my own bed, not the couch. For all of what will be 3 hours until he wakes again. And then he feeds. I say that the same what they talk about the velocoraptors in "Jurassic Park" because he is a mini savage in sheep's clothing. I love him. I do. I absolutely do. But Baby Boy is a wild one sometimes! 

I love him. 

I love my baby boy.

Nights like this, every move I make is like tip-toe-ing on eggshells. The hardest part is not NOW. It's knowing that I will not get a full nights rest, knowing that I will almost never sleep in again. Knowing that the nights when you fall blissfully asleep knowing you have no responsibilities the next day, nothing for which you need to wake. 

I will never have one of those nights again.

If I never sleep through the night again, 

If I never have that 'face-planted-down-in-the-pillow-body-sprawled-out-each-limb-spread-a-different-direction-dead-to-the-world' kind of sleep again...

                                                        I'll be okay with that,

because this little boy of mine 

                  is what dreams are made of.