Some thoughts from Harrison's special blessing day and a testimony of truths I know...
My son, Harrison, today he is wearing a special blessing outfit my mother in law made for him from my wedding dress. I only asked her if she could make it last week and when I did, she asked if I was sure I wanted to cut up my wedding dress. I said I had been thinking about it for a while, but hadn't yet truly committed and my asking her if she would even have been able to make it in such short time was me finalizing my answer based on hers. I had been messaging her and I replied that all mothers keep their dress boxed up in the basement for their future daughter to wear, but the styles change and who knows if my daughter(s) would even find it tasteful twenty some odd years from now. Plus, I added, the dress was not a "temple appropriate" dress so none of my girls would be able to wear it without altering it and that would change the styling completely.
She replied saying, "you made me laugh saying, 'it's not temple appropriate so your girls can't wear it.' Good luck with the whole kid raising thing!"
I assume she meant that managing to keep a child alive and well mannered through childhood is hard enough as it is, with all the sass and back talk; let alone to bring up a child well versed in the gospel. One who knows and loves God, enough so to commit his life and marriage in the name of Christ through the temple.
I didn't think much of it at first, just that my husband and I would obviously be hopeful that our children will choose to get married in the temple. I said it the same way a any parent would say, "When Harrison graduates...," "When Harrison gets married...," "When Harrison has kids..." But as I lay awake in bed that night, I played her words over and over in my head... I know that as parents we cannot make choices for our little ones, even when we know what is best for them. Assuming that Harrison or any one of my future children would want and choose for him or herself to be sealed for time and all eternity in The Holy House of the Lord is a beautiful thought, but only something I can hope to teach them is right.
Even if I'd held onto my wedding dress for a daughter I don't yet have, and she were, perhaps, not to be be sealed in the temple-- I guess I just doubt that she'd want her moms old dress. Just like I never would have wanted to wear my moms full sleeved, lace, button-up, turtleneck, dress from the late 70's. A wedding dress is something to call our own. It defines us in a way. Mine was a beautiful strapless tulle and taffeta gown that caused some controversy and questions about my preparedness to enter the temple. My mother and I bought it before I fully understood the sacredness of the covering garment. And wedding dresses, as you may imagine, are non-refundable. It was suggested that I alter it to make it appropriate and modest. I don't think I ever considered. This dress, this gown, this garment, was not just a piece of fabric. It was my mothers blessing to my marriage.
See, I hadn't even been a member of the church for a year when Jordan proposed to me. Some of the life changes I'd made, in order to keep in obedience to my Baptismal Covenants, were very foreign to my family and friends. My decision to join the church came as a shock to pretty much everyone I knew and even a year later, as I planned my wedding, some still found my change to be sudden. How did they know I hadn't been brainwashed? How did I know I had made the right choice? My mother was still trying to understand 'Amber the Mormon' and my sudden and relatively short engagement. Yet she bought me this dress that I sparkled in. A dress that I had wanted badly. A dress she spent more on than she'd planned to. The dress was her saying, "I may not understand, but I trust you. I trust that I have raised you to be an intelligent and objective young woman. A woman who does not make rash decisions. I trust in all of this that you are doing what is right for you and I give you my blessing."
And so because of all this, whether her words were spoken or not.
I wore the dress to my reception.
Unaltered.
See, I hadn't even been a member of the church for a year when Jordan proposed to me. Some of the life changes I'd made, in order to keep in obedience to my Baptismal Covenants, were very foreign to my family and friends. My decision to join the church came as a shock to pretty much everyone I knew and even a year later, as I planned my wedding, some still found my change to be sudden. How did they know I hadn't been brainwashed? How did I know I had made the right choice? My mother was still trying to understand 'Amber the Mormon' and my sudden and relatively short engagement. Yet she bought me this dress that I sparkled in. A dress that I had wanted badly. A dress she spent more on than she'd planned to. The dress was her saying, "I may not understand, but I trust you. I trust that I have raised you to be an intelligent and objective young woman. A woman who does not make rash decisions. I trust in all of this that you are doing what is right for you and I give you my blessing."
And so because of all this, whether her words were spoken or not.
I wore the dress to my reception.
Unaltered.
A wedding dress expresses who a woman is. For me it was a symbol. Some might think that it was a symbol of defiance. A sign that I had not truly entered the waters of baptism ready to give my whole heart to Jesus. Ready to take on His name and forsake my own. But it wasn't me holding onto my past, holding onto the "old Amber," the "temporal Amber," it was a symbol of unity. One for my family to see that I had not completely changed, I had not completely given up who I was; I could be the "new" me, the "better" me and still love and accept them as they were.
My sons and daughters will be taught the gospel of Jesus Christ. Acceptance is their choice. I hope and pray that they will come to know the truthfulness of this church and accept the call to the waters of baptism and true conversion, and dream of being married in God's temple. I cannot guess how their lives will turn out, but as any good parent I have hopes and dreams for my babies. So why hold onto something that would not help them reach the goals their Heavenly Father has set for them? Why hold onto something as a backup plan for my girls just in case they fall from the fold, choosing to be married outside the temple walls. When we want what is best for our children we have to make their goals possible.
I have chosen to transform something that was a beautiful symbol of the uniting of two families, from two different backgrounds, to a new symbol of love and devotion. Harrison's blessing outfit will be worn by future sons God may bless Jordan and I with and hopefully one day their sons too will wear it on their special blessing day. But if we don't actualize the goals we want for our children, if we hold onto the things they can fall back on then they will be much more likely to fall. Back. We are accountable to raise the children Heavenly Father has given us to their full potential.
And maybe they'll stray. Maybe they'll wander and be lost for a time, but when my son asks me, "Mom, is the church true?" "Can families really be together in Heaven again?" "Does God really exist?"
I will tearfully answer,
It is.
We can.
He does.
My sons and daughters will be taught the gospel of Jesus Christ. Acceptance is their choice. I hope and pray that they will come to know the truthfulness of this church and accept the call to the waters of baptism and true conversion, and dream of being married in God's temple. I cannot guess how their lives will turn out, but as any good parent I have hopes and dreams for my babies. So why hold onto something that would not help them reach the goals their Heavenly Father has set for them? Why hold onto something as a backup plan for my girls just in case they fall from the fold, choosing to be married outside the temple walls. When we want what is best for our children we have to make their goals possible.
I have chosen to transform something that was a beautiful symbol of the uniting of two families, from two different backgrounds, to a new symbol of love and devotion. Harrison's blessing outfit will be worn by future sons God may bless Jordan and I with and hopefully one day their sons too will wear it on their special blessing day. But if we don't actualize the goals we want for our children, if we hold onto the things they can fall back on then they will be much more likely to fall. Back. We are accountable to raise the children Heavenly Father has given us to their full potential.
And maybe they'll stray. Maybe they'll wander and be lost for a time, but when my son asks me, "Mom, is the church true?" "Can families really be together in Heaven again?" "Does God really exist?"
I will tearfully answer,
It is.
We can.
He does.
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