Quarter Life Crisis!

Last year, shortly after we got married, people started asking, "When are you going to have kids!?" "Um, Hi, we've been married for like 2 months." No joke. People were asking so soon. I'm Mormon, right? That's what we do-- just mass produce babies. NOT. Look at that '32 Kids & Counting' lady (obviously I'm exaggerating, I know it's only like 21), she's had two full litters and she's not LDS. Although I think she does belong to some Christian denomination. I can't understand how she and her husband could ever personally know and have a individual connection with each one of their children. From the looks of the show it seems like all the older kids take care of the younger ones without too much help from mom and dad. So needless to say, I do not want that large of a family. Three or four will do me just fine. Five, only if there are twins in there somewhere! "But you're Mormon, don't you have to have like 7 or 8 at least?" Again, these are real people asking these real-ly ignorant questions. "No." is the answer for any of you still wondering.
Perhaps people do not understand how intrusive it is to question someone about starting a family. I mean really; you have to think about the personal nature of asking someone when or if they intend to create a family. There are so many factors involved and perhaps even suppose Jordan or I weren't able to produce a baby, or we had been trying all along with no luck. I know women have been creating life since the beginning of time, but it is naiive to assume it should be so easy for everyone.-- rant finished. So, to those who asked the question., "Kiiiiiiiids?" I told them, "Oh late next year we'll likely start trying. When Jordan has finished school and we both don't have so much on our plate. We just got married and would like to spend our first year or two really exploring each other and getting to know one another, falling in love on a deeper level than we have been able to love in our short eight month courtship." Well... that was last year, which means 'late next year' has now become the end of this year! Yikes, right!?
The idea of a family has started to become very real to me. Although Jordan and I have always known we want to start a family generally speaking in the 'sooner rather than later' category (I turned 28 last month and am not getting any younger. Believe me, I know-- the same people mentioned above keep reminding me!) it is still a scary prospect. Last night as I was eating a warned up bowl of chili after getting home from work at 9:45, as Jordan sat on the couch doing homework; I looked over at the sink-- not filled to the brim with dirty dishes like I usually allow it to grow, but dishes were ever-present that needed to be tended to-- I thought to myself, "I am too selfish to be a parent right now." Not voluntarily, mind you. I mean, I am eager for the day when Jordan and I can look at the double lines and plus signs on a half a dozen different pregnancy tests (don't some of them just say 'YES' or 'PREGNANT'?... 'THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW, B*!') and joyfully and  fearfully embrace what our lives are soon to become. Yet, I shudder to say, am I really an adult yet?? I have been saying that for the last ten years. Maybe even longer since I started working my first full time job. Am I ready or even able to be responsible for another human life?
Recently it has become topic of discussion that we could start looking at houses if we wanted. HOUSES. Oh my fetch, right? ("fetch" just threw that little Mormon gem in there for the fun of it!) Houses, children, Jordans graduation, Amber working on salary... when did all this happen? I mean, really? I guess the question is when does all this happen for most people? Haha, statistically we may be trailing behind others who graduated the ideal 4 years after they were legally allowed to buy cigarettes and porn. Yet this age bracket we're in doesn't feel the way the doe-eyed little children we all once were thought it would feel. Am I right? Please, someone, justify me here. I am not the only one feeling age sneaking up and the list of life's wolda' been / coulda' been / shoulda' been  accomplishments fading into  the distance, am I?? So I feel so old, yet the prospect of home ownership and becoming a parent seem to have rounded the corner too soon. Weird, right. I guess this is what a mid-life crisis feels like; only I plan to live past my sixties, so it must be that quarter life crisis I've heard about smacking me square in the face!
The other day when contemplating this all, I thought, 'how do people do it--??' Really? As we are right now;  Jordan has classes 5 days a week and works 4, always home by 7 at the latest, while I work 45 hours in a 5 day span-- home by 5 or 6 only 3 nights a week. Our weekends are busily spent working and studying. I have tried to start planning meals a week ahead of time, even just writing out a menu for the nights I'm home so I know just what to pull out of the cupboards rather than waste time deliberating what tasty meal we should have that evening. We're more on top of our bills than we realistically anticipated we'd be when we first got married. We are madly in love and work on our relationship everyday. ...Jordan said to me when I asked him in exasperation, "How do people do it; bring babies into the world, shift their lives around to accommodate this life changing being?," "People dumber than us have done it," he said. Haha, I don't know if that is supposed to give me hope or what? I can't help but still think-- how are we ever going to make this work. As I pointed out, our lives right now aren't exactly baby friendly. I am lucky if I drag myself out of bed inthe morning in  time for work. Imagine me being responsible for this whole little... person! And yet, people dumber, poorer, less in love, or even accidentally-- have made it work. So we can too! Jordan said that's what the gestation period is for, to figure it all out! Here I am, breaking down and freaking out about daycare, safe travel, baby clothes, the right/healthy baby food, even my own health needs as minimal as my oral health (which I have heard can actually affect the fetus), highchairs, cribs, SIDS, dying during childbirth (yes, I am very freaked about this!), the $$$-cost of adding a third life to our two person budget, on and on... and I'm not even near pregnant yet.
Man, Bridezilla I was not; but fat, hormonal, freaked out pregnant woman I will be!

We haven't decided to 'start trying' yet, but I figure 'tis better to have a meltdown now than then. I'm an answers girl. And a planner. So I constantly feel the need to fill the calendar and check off checklists. Knowing that we're fully prepared would be a great comfort, but like Jordan said, there will be time for that. I've had the emotional freak-out I think we're all entitled to; "Am I at the right job?," "Am I shortchanging myself by staying where I'm at?," "Should I go back to school now?," "What should I finally major in?," "What do I want to be when I grow up!?," "Do we have kids now or wait until we're better established?," "Is it time to stop renting and put our money into a home that can be ours?," "Should we look at houses in Utah?," "Where would we like to 'end up'?," "How soon would we even be able to fully furnish our own home?," "Fashionably in the style we like, not just inexpensive items from the DI?" "What if one of our jobs takes us elsewhere and we have to rent or sell our house, are we prepared for that expense and liability?," "What if Jordan's job takes us elsewhere, am I going to be able to find a job?," "Doing what I like?," "That pays me well?," "What if I don't have a routine pregnancy or delivery?," "What if something goes awry!?" I guess there are no guarantees in life. I can allow my mind to wander and play the 'What-if Game' day in and out, but I don't anticipate I will get too many answers until any one, or several, of the 'what-ifs' just happen and we are forced to deal with them on the spot. There is no preparing for l.i.f.e., right? We can't build the dream life out of sticks, but we can create a loving and nurturing environment to bring children into. In hopes of  raising them as moral, upstanding, free thinking individuals. We can prepare as best we can now, but the thing I have to understand is that we will keep growing. Continuously. As will the world happening around us.
Life happens.
If I wait around in fear of every little thing that could go wrong, I will waste mine. I can plan and plan all I want, but the fact of life is that things rarely go according to plan. You can't be prepared for every detour along the way. We may not even entirely be in control of deciding when to start the future family I am freaking out over. So-- when God decides to bless us with the first little bundle of our family-- whether we're both at our dream jobs, making the dream salary, in our dream house, or not (more than likely, not) we'll embrace every minute and detail.
Having faith we CAN DO THIS.