One thing I learned from my missionaries was that a fast is not something we gloat about or draw attention to, but is something sacred between us and God. With that said, yes-- I have made a few posts about my Lent Fast. However, my intent was not to draw attention to myself in a way that takes attention and glory from God, but rather hoped to share my experiences in a way that would help others gain strength to "kick a habit" they would love to rid themselves of, if even for a trial period of 40 days. I wrote because I wanted to share what I was learning from my experience with others.
Yesterday something was said about me that was not true. What was said was said by someone who is close to me. What was said was said in a public forum, behind my back and leaving me no way to defend myself. What was said was relayed to me by someone else who is particularly close to me. What was said was that I had been online online on Facebook, having had broken my fast and was being called out for all those close to me (as I only keep close friends and family on Facebook) to know and even chime in if they wanted. Which they did. And it seemed those who participated were all in favor of believing I had faltered. Believing I had thought I could sneak on Facebook unnoticed. The thing that really pains me about this whole ordeal is that this fast I am participating in, whether the intent be to make me more spiritual in any way or not, is something I am working very hard at. The irony of the entire situation is that Facebook has been the easiest thing to give up because it is such a trivial part of my life and yet now, here it has reared it's ugly Facebook face and driven a wedge between myself and those close to me. I was pained by the suggestion of this person because I am working on accomplishing a goal for my own personal growth and this person found the time in her day to (whether with malice or not, whether knowing the hurt it would bring into my life or not) belittle the very accomplishment I have every right to be personally proud of.
My initial anger from first hearing of this small betrayal last night subsided and this morning I was thinking with a less cloudy head. Though I will admit my thoughts were not entirely clear, they were fogged as I debated how I should react to the situation. I struggled, going back and forth in my mind; typing out texts I could send to make my pain clear to this person. I knew I had to phrase myself carefully or she would only hear blame being thrown her way rather than seeing the vulnerable plea I was making for her to understand how her actions had penetrated me. I decided (perhaps even against my better judgement, knowing I should choose to be the bigger person, not add fuel to the fire) to email her and let her know how her actions had deeply affected me. I tried to write very carefully what I needed to say. I expressed my pain, because as I learned from one of my fellow youth teachers at church on Sunday; it is prideful to keep our feelings to ourselves. It touched me to hear the words of the class expressing personal stories. One woman said she had felt wronged by her husband, but rather than discuss the situation calmly, she had decided to hold onto those feelings of trespass. She let the husband mope all day, initially sorrowful at the thought that he had hurt his wife, but then soon growing angry himself at the unjust of his wife's silence. If she would not tell him how he had hurt her then he could not begin to repair the wound. So I expressed myself calmly and rationally through email. I started by saying that I had been hurt by this persons actions and wished them to know I would never intentionally hurt them. I explained that the fast I was being accused of breaking was something that was important to me and though it may have seemed like something they could joke about that my integrity was actually what was being made fun of.
A joke is almost always at someone else's expense. This one was at mine.
A few hours later I received a text from this person telling me to "give it a rest" -- again insulting my feelings. As though I haven't any right to defend myself nor express upset feelings.
The most painful part of it all was going back and forth with her, trying to explain that I wanted only for her to understand that our words carry with them weight. I was near tears as this text conversation continued. She began saying she did not owe me an apology, as she had nothing to be sorry about. This hurt so much to read. It hurt that I had been correct in assuming she would take the initial email as an attack, though clearly stated on my part to have no intent as such. I read the words over and over, "I don't owe you an apology" and wondered to myself, would God ever utter those words? Would a good person ever say such a thing to someone they love? I knew the answer was NO. Because repentance as with forgiveness comes from a place deep in our hearts guarded well by our tough and jaded exteriors.
As the texts kept coming, I finally could not hold back the tears and had to excuse myself from work to lock myself alone in the restroom and cry. The employee bathroom has no toilet lid so I sat on the floor, alone, muffling my tears with my hands as the texts continued to come.
As I sat in that bathroom alone, feeling very alone, I was reminded of a time when I had wronged another and I too saw no need for remorse or apologies. Similarly I once publicly called out a girl on Facebook, drawing attention to something she had done which I had believed was not in accordance with the person she represented herself to be. I too gained a following, supporting my notion that I was fit to be her judge. The only difference in her story and mine was that she had in fact actually done what I accused her of doing. When I was called to repentance I rejected the thought, exclaiming that I did not owe her an apology for simply pointing out the fault in something she was already making very public herself. The fact that the words I said about her were truth make no difference. Because the words I said were meant to draw attention to her negatively. The words I said had drawn others into a web of judgement against her. The words I said had hurt her. To me, my words had not meant to hurt her, I don't really know what I meant to accomplish by my comment and so I felt I owed her nothing. I was young. Not so young that any of this was excusable, but I justified that her feelings were her own and she could choose to be hurt or not. She could not, however, choose how others would now see her because of my actions. And in fact she could not choose her feelings, as I cannot. We can only choose how we react.
This morning, I tried and tried not to let pride make me send an angry letter detailing my innocence.
This morning I tried and tried not to let pride build a need in me to be right.
This morning I told pride I didn't need the last word.
But I did need some words.
I did need to explain to her that her that I was hurt because of a lie told about me. Joke or no joke, the premise was in no way true and the truth is something I'm proud of. I know it is not you who makes me feel any certain way. My emotions are my own and your actions are that too. So today I am using my big girl, "I feel because..." words. "Today I feel that an accomplishment which I would've loved for you to support me in was publicly mocked. I feel I was made a fool of at the expense of a laugh. I feel you saw a flaw and took a chance to expose it. I feel that if you had known the reason I gave up Facebook was so I could spend more time being a good wife to my husband; taking time to ask how his day was and truly listen free of distraction, to put more time and effort into strengthening our relationship-- from the big things to the little things like packing lunches or cleaning messes so as our home can be a more comfortable space for us to interact... I feel that had you known this that you would not have been so quick to point a finger. That you would have been more quick to say 'I am sorry for not understanding the gravity my accusation held. I had no idea this was so important to you.'"
To Keliegh, who two and a half years ago, I felt did not deserve my apology, yet I said shallow words begrudgingly... I understand the position I put you in, I understand how my words hurt you. And I am sorry.
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